First off, my plan for my Substack (a.k.a. what I think would feel good after 2 weeks of having it) is sitting down to write a new post each Sunday night. I know that
writes their “Monday Monday” newsletter every Monday morning, and they just crank it out that day - whatever thoughts they happen to have that morning. That is an inspiring writing practice to me!One notable difference is Cody has a business to maintain and their newsletter goes to thousands of people (obviously mine does not lol), so I will definitely keep that in mind if this ever begins to feel like a dreaded chore or a cage in which I’m trapped. I am free to change my creative process at anytime.
For now though, I want to share about the topic of SLEEP!
It’s been on my mind this week because my sleep schedule has been majorly messed up for about a month now. Been staying up way too late and sleeping in - I blame the long days … when the sun sets at 8:30pm, apparently I eat dinner at 9pm and go to sleep at 1am. But tonight is the night I’m determined to get it back on track. Ironically, the past month is when I have also been in the process of consulting with an ACTUAL SLEEP DOCTOR (something I should’ve done a loooong time ago) and hopefully this week I’ll be scheduling an overnight sleep study in a lab.
I have needed a lot of sleep ever since hitting puberty in the 6th grade. I can’t remember what my sleep habits were before then other than wanting to sleep in instead of get up and go to church with my family, but I’m pretty sure that is the experience of most kids who are dragged to church.
Anyway, as a teen and up until probably my late twenties, I’d need 12 hours of sleep to feel rested. And even then, I could still nap that same day. From my late twenties until now, I’d say I’ve gone down to needing *only* 10 hours to feel rested. Plus naps, of course. lol (sarcastic “yay!”) I was a hardcore night owl in my teen years (as many teens are) and therefore would sleep in the nurse’s office at school during my “free hour” otherwise I would inevitable have to nap as soon as I got home from school, stay up late, and the cycle continued. I even did a dual-credit community college program my senior year of high school MOSTLY so I could have a college schedule and not have to get up so early every day for high school. (I had to leave my house at 7:15am which to this day would be absolutely impossible for me to do - I truly don’t know how I survived.)
Cut to my mid/late twenties after struggling with severe anxiety for a decade and my primary doctor confirms all my oversleeping is likely due to depression (up until then I thought I just had Seasonal Affective Disorder) but once I factored in the year-round oversleeping and when she suggested I take an anti-depressant year round - not just during the winter - I saw my depression in more of a whole-life view and the puzzle pieces all fit together.
I was able to find some mental health meds that worked well for me in terms of managing my anxiety and even my depression, but I could never get rid of the excessive daytime sleepiness (as it’s officially called). A couple years ago though, my psychiatrist suggested taking a stimulant in the morning, and that has been a LIFE CHANGER. I no longer yawn ALL DAY LONG. And getting out of bed is no longer the absolute WORST part of my day because my eyes actually feel like they can stay somewhat open. However, even on the stimulant, I can still (and often do!) nap in the afternoon.
Which leads me to why I’ve finally decided to see a sleep doctor and get a sleep study done. I’m finally willing to invest the money to just have ANSWERS. Essentially they’re going to be testing me for type 2 Narcolepsy and anything else that may disturb my sleep (that I am unaware of). For a few reasons, the doctor thinks it’s highly unlikely I have sleep apnea - I don’t have any of the usual traits.
I’m so eager to do the test and just find out ANYTHING though because the fun thing about depression is it’s SO EASY to gaslight yourself all the time about any aspect of it!!! That original primary doctor said the over sleeping is due to the depression, several psychiatrists have reaffirmed that, yet I think because I am on mental health meds AND a stimulant and STILL can sleep like it’s my day job, I am like “there’s gotta be something else to this besides depression, right?” So I will be glad to find out if there is anything else to it. If they don’t find anything abnormal, I will know that it simply is related to depression, and I will have that piece of evidence to refer to whenever I feel the need to gaslight myself that “depression alone can’t possibly make me this tired.”
No matter what they find, the sleep doctor also mentioned there’s a newer sleep medicine that is a lot better than stimulants at helping wakefulness and it even has positive results for treating depression … so that’s exciting to think about! Because at the end of the day, the results are one thing but the TREATMENT is another. It’s nice to know there are other options out there than what I’m currently doing.
At one point during our consult the sleep doctor said, “We’ll get you your life back - well, not ‘back.’ You’ve never had it since you’ve been sleepy your whole life.” And I deeply felt that sentence. I don’t really dare to believe he will give me a life of typical sleep needs because it will crush me if that doesn’t end up being the case, but it felt validating to hear someone acknowledge the loss of a regular life and really just “get” how miserable life can feel when you are constantly tired. I definitely should’ve seen a sleep doctor a long time ago.
But HEY! Glennon Doyle found out at like age 45 that she had anorexia her whole life when she thought it was bulimia the entire time. And Elyse Myers is currently in the process of getting an autism diagnosis at like age 30 (I don’t know these people’s exact ages!). So… it is normal for women to seek out different diagnoses later in life or live their lives for a long time with a problem without it ever being addressed. *Insert rant about healthcare for women and the patriarchy gaslighting all our health problems and not funding research about any of them.*
Leave a comment if you’ve struggled with sleep and if you’d like me to keep you posted on the results of the sleep study! It’s exactly 9:30pm, so it’s off to bed for me! Lights out by 10pm will be today’s greatest victory.